Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.