[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.