My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
podcasts
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
it must be school picture day
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec