new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.