[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god