so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
called in thicc to work this morning
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30