[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
my proudest tweet
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*frowns in Scottish*
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.