I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Tastes like chicken.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush