People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”