willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go