My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in