The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole