ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!