Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids