me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy