ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
You Might Also Like
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
The real reason evolution started..😂
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR