Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.