Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue