Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.