[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours