ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.