I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Put the is in disheveled
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible