the simulation is moving too fast
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?