If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.