Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*