My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer