Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.