Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal