North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.