The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I’m having an out of money experience.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.