Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh