*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.