Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
motivation
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday