Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.