If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*