Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it