Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.