Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.