As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.