While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands