Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I am patiently waiting for your email
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?