them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.