Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
You Might Also Like
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.