Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am