I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My god she’s good.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda