What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.