*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I know
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.