In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.