I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.