Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
You Might Also Like
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I don’t know what to do
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.